Jo’s BJU Approved Blog

Today I was reading a book to some of my students. They were picking out all the animals and other things on the farm that they knew the names of. When I turned the page to the one with the chicken, my favorite student Bradley shouted, “Mmm…Nuggets”

Trial Redundancy by Scott Adams

“I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of celebrities who have two trials for every one alleged homicide or molestation. First there’s the criminal trial, where the jury inevitably acquits him because of the high burden of reasonable doubt. Then there’s the civil trial and its lower burden of proof where the families of the victims try to make some cash out of the deal. Two trials for the same crime. Jeeeeez.

You and I are paying for this redundancy with our tax dollars! I say we band together as concerned (and cheap) citizens and change the law so that one trial handles the whole shebang. It’s easy, really. All you’d need to change is the verdict options. For example, juries could have the following choices:

Verdict / Sentence
100% Guilty– Kill him in a highly entertaining fashion and give all of his stuff to the
victim’s family.

Probably Guilty — Just give his money to the victim’s family.

Slight Chance He’s Guilty– Set him free to date women who have inexplicably bad judgment.

0% Guilty– Execute the prosecuting attorney

It’s the last one that’s the real money saver. Before long, you’d weed out the prosecutors who really shouldn’t be in those jobs wasting our tax dollars anyway. It’s not a crime to attempt sending obviously innocent people to jail, but it should be. My plan would right that wrong too.

If my proposal doesn’t convince you to vote for me in the next presidential election, I can only assume you don’t make those decisions based on the issues.”

So funny. I love Scott Adams. Everyone needs to read his blog. I knew he was funny from reading Dilbert, but I had no idea the extent.

Here’s a funny story from Scott Adam’s blog

“I just visited an airport Men’s Room that only had warm air blowers to dry your hands – no towels. They might as well just hang up a sign that says We Encourage You Not to Wash Your Hands.

Personally, I’m so afraid of cooties that I wash my hands about forty times a day. But even I had to pause and wonder if the time commitment would be worth it. I know there’s some scientific principle involved whereby the movement of the warm air will, in theory, hasten the drying process. In practice, I’m fairly certain it’s nothing but evaporation plus the placebo affect combined with a process I call ‘giving up’ and walking out with wet hands.

In the end, my fear of cooties trumped my distaste for inefficient Men’s Room technology and I went for it. As I stood there for what seemed an eternity, my thoughts drifted to my highly absorbent pants. Would it be so wrong to cut 60 seconds off of this process and just wipe my hands on the sides of my pants, carefully avoiding the crotch area?

So I picked two strategically unimportant pant areas, finished the job that the placebo started and went on my way. But I couldn’t feel good about it.”

This one was hillarious too:
“The media always focuses on the negative aspects of hurricanes. They never mention how it helps clear out the birds for a while. Just once I would like to hear a news report with an upbeat take: ‘Thanks to hurricane Wilma, nothing has crapped on our Eyewitness News van for hours. Back to you, Bob.’ “

1. You’ve ever ended a sentence with the word “SIKE”
2. You watched the Pound Puppies.
3. You can sing the rap to the “Fresh Prince of Belair” and can do the
“Carlton”.
4. Girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy.
5 You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start
a club of your own.
6. You owned those lil’ Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.
7. You know that “WOAH ” comes from Joey on Blossom
8. Two words: Hammer Pants
9. If you ever watched “Fraggle Rock”
10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars… and “spokey-dokes” or
playing cards on your spokes for that incredible sound effect
11. You can sing the entire theme song to “DuckTales ” (Woo ooh!)
12. It was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch
cartoons.
13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
14. You saw the original “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ” on the big
screen…and still know the turtles names.
15. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class
at school.
16. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your !
shirt in a knot on the side.
17. You played the game “MASH ” (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)
18. You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it.
19. L.A. Gear….need I say more?
20. You wanted to change your name to “JEM ” in Kindergarten.(She’s
truly outrageous.)
21. You remember reading “Tales of a fourth grade nothing” and all the
Ramona books.
22. You know the profound meaning of “WAX ON, WAX OFF”
23. You wanted to be a Goonie.
24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (some of us…head-to-toe)
25. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose
fell off and his cheeks shifted.
26. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
27. You took lunch boxes to school… and traded Garbage Pail kids in
the schoolyard.
28. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.
29. You still get the urge to say “NOT ” after every sentence.
30. You remember Hypercolor t-shirts.
31. Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band.
32. You thought She-ra (Princess of Power!) and He-Man should hook up.
33. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because y! o u
exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.
34. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes. (and like 24 .. probably in
neon colors, too)
35. After you saw Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure you kept saying “I know you
are, but what am I?”
36. You remember “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”
37. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline
skates.
38. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.
39. You have ever played with a Skip-It
40. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.
41. You’ve gone through this nodding your head in agreement or shaking
your head in embarassed memories.
42. You remember Popples.
43. “Don’t worry, be happy”
44. You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top
Reeboks.
45. You wore socks scrunched down (and sometimes still do… getting
yelled at by “younger hip” members of the family)
46. You remember boom boxes. . and walking around with one on your
shoulder like you were all that.
47. You remember watching both “Gremlins ” movies.
48. You know what it meant to say “Care Bear Stare!!”
49. You remember watching “Rainbow Bright” and “My Little Pony Tales”
50. You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot.
51. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.
52. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool.. and don’t
even flinch when people refer to them as “NKOTB”.
53. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on “Saved
By The Bell,” The ORIGINAL class.
54. You know all the words to Bon Jovi - SHOT THROUGH THE HEART.
55. You just sang those words to yourself.
56. You remember watching Magic vs. Bird.
57. Homemade Levi shorts.. (the shorter the better)
58. You remember when mullets were cool!
59. You had a mullet!
60. You still sing “We are the World”
61. You tight rolled your jeans.
62. You owned a bannana clip.
63. You remember “Where’s the Beef?”
64. You used to (and probably still do) say “What you talkin’ bout
Willis?”
65. You had big hair and you knew how to use it.
66. You’re still singing shot through the heart in your head, aren’t
you!!!

“Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.”-Mark Twain

RULES FOR WORK

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you are going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes or supplies don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If you don’t like my work tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations.

8. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

9. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton.

10. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.